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Painful Sex After 50-A Humorous Look at Menopause

by Roberto
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I’m gonna be brutally honest right now. I mean, we’re all friends here anyway right? I want to talk about sex today, or more so, why some of us gals are having painful sex after 50. But before we get into that I want to share some personal deets with you.

I used to love sex. A lot. When I was younger, I had sex a lot. With a lot of different men. Was I the town trollop? Mebbe. No judging here though, k?

I can’t ever remember a time in my life where I never wanted sex, that is, until after my ‘wreckmyhistory’ aka hysterectomy. It all went downhill from there. Had I known the end result of that procedure would be a dry ‘petunia’ and the most painful sex I’ve ever had, I would have declined it.

Really. Like, why didn’t the doctor warn me that not only would I be going into menopause quickly, sex would be painful? Dude… that’s some pretty important detail you left out. Jus sayin’.

I mean I still like sex, I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.

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The most painful sex I’ve ever had

Oddly enough, I remember it like it was yesterday.

It was probably 6 months after my hysterectomy. Maybe a wee bit longer. I was in a long term relationship and had been with this man for almost 7 years at the time of my surgery.

Sex was always good with him. He was fairly well endowed. Don’t be jealous. Size really doesn’t matter much. Bigger isn’t always better.


After my surgery, it all went to hell (insert crying emoji here). Not only the relationship but the sex too. For the first time in my life, I mean besides the day I lost my virginity (I was 18 yrs old btw-when did you lose yours?), penetration was beyond excruciating. It literally felt like his penis was wrapped in razor blades.

It was the most painful sex I had ever had!

I didn’t dare say anything to him and we continued as I secretly prayed for the pain to go away. I was also pretty concerned. I started asking myself questions like:

  • Did I dive into sex too soon after my surgery?
  • Is this the beginning of the end of my sex life?
  • Is it always going to feel like razor blades in my petunia from now?
  • Is there a magic potion to make this stop?
  • Is painful sex after 50 a thing?

The answer to the last question was yes. Halle-friggin-lujiah! I found this out after an emergency visit to the doctor’s office.

Receptionist : “Is your appointment an emergency”?

Me : “Yup”

Receptionist : “Can you tell me briefly what it is”?

Me : “Sex is painful and I need her to fix this”.

Receptionist : “Um…..ok”

Why does sex hurt all of a sudden?

So off I went to the doctor’s crying about my sore petunia and kinda freakin out “why does sex hurt all of a sudden” and “please make it stop and be awesome again”.

She laughed but explained to me that because of my surgery and because my ovaries are now in some high school science test lab, I am in menopause, and my estrogen levels have decreased. A lot.

So…fix it, I beg her.

She also tells me I’m actually getting kinda old-aging if you will (speak for yourself), and my inner lining is thinning. (huh?) Because of this, well, sex is gonna start hurting (stupid stunned look on my face).

She tells me that painful sex after 50 is more common than people realize.

She gives me a prescription for human replacement therapy, er I mean, hormone replacement pills, writes out the name of a moisturizer on another piece of paper and sends me home.

It’s come to this. Petunia moisturizer. I’m that many years old.

After 6 months, I stopped taking the HRTs because they were causing almost daily migraines. I’m starting to realize that this whole getting older thing is %&@#’ed up.

I’m not the only one having the most painful sex!

I got talking to a few of my girlie peeps and it turns out that painful sex after 50 is a fairly common thing among women (or even younger) who are in menopause or going through it. Our precious little petunias dry up and suddenly we need cream.

I need cream?

Like long gone are the days of being moist (why do people hate that word?) naturally? That was one of the best parts. Feeling how ‘wet’ I was and how awesome penetration felt. It was a euphoric feeling.

And now it’s gone. I’m dead inside. Literally …

I was kinda surprised to discover that my girlie peeps didn’t know there was a magic potion to cure this painful sex after 50 bullcrap. Suddenly I didn’t feel so alone in this embarrassing conundrum.

The magic potion for painful sex after 50

My ex and I still had sex, just not very often. I tried the magic potion a few times, and it didn’t seem to work very well. Was it still too soon after my surgery?

I gave up.

I was growing concerned. Is sex always going to hurt now? What kind of nonsense is this? Is painful sex after 50 my new norm?

After I left my ex (which was about a year after my surgery) I hardly dated at all, so sex wasn’t even a thing for me. No boys, no sex, the flower garden is now closed for the season.

It wasn’t until I moved down to Guatemala that I started having sex again, albeit occasionally, and needing some magic potion. It was actually an embarrassing thing that sent me to the doctors here looking for help.

One day, my petunia was super sore, like excruciatingly painful. I could barely sit, sleep, walk, you name it, everything hurt. Sex was out of the question until we dug deep to find out what the heck was going on.

One look and she knew right away what was wrong. “Girl you need magic cream”! Ok, she didn’t exactly call it that, but I knew what she meant. The problem was, it’s super ridiculously hard to find here.

So I went without and kept having the most painful sex ever. Now you’re probably wondering why on earth I kept having sex if it hurt so much. Well, to be fair, I was having pain at the beginning of intercourse-the initial penetration hurt. A LOT. After a few gentle thrusts, the pain kinda went away. Kinda.

And I was also using some of this (something I brought down with me from Canada). This stuff worked rather well in taking some of the initial pain away. Once that was gone, it was smooth sailing after that. Also kinda.

I wish I were 25 again

I want to go back to the days when sex came without pain. Only pleasure. I want to go back to the days of having a naturally moist (there’s that word again) petunia. I want to go back to the days when worrying about how painful sex was gonna be, was the farthest thing from my mind.

Like nonexistent.

I wish I were 25 again, or 30, or even 40. I wish this menopause, low estrogen, dry petunia, and thin lining thing weren’t even a thing. Ever.

Why does it have to be like this? One of the very few things in life I got great pleasure from taken away from me (insert sobbing hysterically emoji here).

The cause of painful intercourse

So this is it. Now I know the cause of painful intercourse the only thing I can do is keep lots of lube in my nightstand and tons of tubes of Replens on hand. The latter I order from Amazon and have brought down for me when I know someone is coming to visit soon.

I order a lot. My petunia doesn’t hurt anymore (thank God). I now use this cream pretty regularly. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s necessary. Like coffee.

I also have this cute little thing that takes care of my daily urges (yes I said daily).

But it makes me sad to think that my hot and wet days of sex are long gone. I mean, I had a good run but did it have to end so soon?

Painful sex after 50 really is a thing and I’m not alone here. I mean, it’s nice to be in the company of other women who are suffering with this but can we have something more exciting to share with each other?

For real.

“Girl how’s your petunia today? Did it hurt last time you had sex”?

(insert crying emoji here)

mad love

ox iva ox

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